Well, my new venture is really feeling like a reality.
I had this moment yesterday at work when I actually was close to having a panic attack. Not because of my recent decision to pursue a career in writing (which can certainly be daunting), but the fact that my “day job” was truly making me unhappy, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I must clarify, that it isn’t the company or the people who work there that caused this sudden wave of emotions, rather the knowledge that I simply wasn’t meant to be there. I know deep down inside, that I am simply destined for being outside, on the rivers and writing.
Whether my dream of writing for a living were to come true today, a year from now, or– as hesitant as I am to say– never, I just know that what I do in the interim needs to be doing something that I don’t feel like I am failing at. If I’m not able to give my current job 100%, or at least contribute a fair amount of honest effort, there is no point. With a company that has understandably high goals and expectations of its employees, I know I’m not only wasting their time and mine, but it also isn’t fair to either party in the long run.
I need to earn my gray hairs doing something I am passionate about. Stressing out about a deadline for a client, hoping that my computer doesn’t crash in the middle of a project, or trying to make a successful submission for a competitive editorial piece, are just a few examples of the kind of meaningful stress I’m referring to. Not going home and feeling depressed, because there is a void in my life that happens between the hours of “nine-to-five”.
The simple fact is: I love people, and working with them, but I have been covering up my true self and identity for the last two-and-a-half-years, and my panic was unleashed from this realization. “Why am I doing this?”, and more importantly, “What am I not doing?” were questions that flashed like high beams in my face at night driving down a one-way street… My next thought was: “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway”, the title of a book by Susan Jeffers, which was just the fuel I needed to start the engine to release this dream I have buried away for far too long.
Ultimately, I have taken a leap of faith, and I am scared, excited, anxious, giddy, hopeful and all-together happy that I am paving the way to fulfill my dream. This is what this freelance writing venture is all about. Taking a chance on a dream. An aspiration. A vision. Hope.
I have never been more ready to find out.